Friday, February 22, 2008

MLB Free Agent Personal Ads

It is February 22, and there are still many able bodies without jobs in Major League Baseball. Let's take a look at some of these players and try to figure out where they may end up through the personal ads they posted to FSE.

Antonio Alfonseca
Hey my name is Antonio, I have six fingers and six toes. Last season I was 5-2 with a 5.44 ERA. I'm still single and haven't found anyone who wants me to help them win. I have a history of blowing leads in the late innings and some people are creeped out when they shake my hand. If this sounds like something you would be interested in, email me at:

Armando Benitez
Relief pitcher looking for work here. Would prefer to stay away from New York, specifically the Bronx or Queens. Don't really want to talk about my past, I just want to pitch.

Jose Mesa
I hate Omar Vizquel. Please sign me, I promise I won't ruin your season. I have accumulated over 300 saves in my career and will play for anyone as long as there is a paycheck in it for me. I've played for 9 different teams, but please don't shy away from me because of my past. I still have some good innings left in my arm. Did I mention my name translates to Joe Table?

Bob Wickman
Hey Y'all, I'm Bob and I am a pitcher. Last season I accumulated 40 saves and for some reason I do not have a job. I think 40 saves means I'm pretty good at what I do. Who cares if my Braves teammates thought I gave up on them. I have a nasty sinker and am missing half of my finger. If you are looking for a guy like Joe Borowski, I'm your man!

Bartolo Colon
My name is Bartolo, SHM, seeking long term relationship with a major league team. I'm a little chubby, but people say I'm cute. I have over 10 Billion innings in my arm and hope to pitch again this season.

Jeff Weaver
SWM, very rich and very emotional. I would like to find a team that will pay me to go 8-12 with an ERA over 5. Would prefer to stay away from New York and Detroit.

Ryan Klesko
Outdoors men looking for long term relationship. Big Husky lefty looking for a job DH'ing or standing at first base. Would like to get away from San Diego and be near men who like to go hunting, like my friend Barry Bonds.

Tony Batista
Apparently Japan doesn't want me anymore, is there anyone out there that will take a chance on me? Will work for food.

Julio Franco
Grandaddy looking to take part in spanking. Bat still works and can go deep when needed.

Jeff Cirillo
Don't know why I'm posting here, my skills are much better than a singles ad.

Shannon Stewart
SBM looking for an empty outfield spot. I can give your team a body in the outfield and occasionally hit a home run. I don't offer anything spectacular just looking to be with someone.

Kenny Lofton
I'll be honest with you, I've been around and I'm not looking for anything long-term. Looking for a one night stand - you get yours and I'll get mine.

Shawn Green
SJM seeking a religiously tolerant atmosphere. I can stand in right field for you and hit a few home runs. Last year I was surrounded by younger men who were too naughty for me. I would like to be surrounded by men more my age. Looking to fit in!

Reggie Sanders
I've been in the playoffs almost every year of my career. I can still hit and I don't care where I play. Gun for hire here!

Mike Piazza
Looking for a team that will let me catch, I swear I can still catch. Last year I was in Oakland and they didn't think I could catch and it made me sad. Not only can I help your team's offense, but I can also DJ some nights on your classic rock station!

Sammy Sosa
I told you all I didn't do steroids! I wasn't on that stinking list, now, someone pay me to play baseball! Baseball been very, very good to me! I can still hit home runs and strike out every other at bat. If this sounds like something you are interested in, give me a call. Spainish speaking suitors only I, uh no parle anglais sometimes....

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